Tag Archives: afraid of commitment

I gave relationship advice to my hair stylist

26 May

There is a first for everything!  And this past Wednesday my hair stylist asked for relationship advice after I told her I write a blog about relationships.

Hmm, let’s take a moment to look at my qualifications, shall we?

I am currently IN a relationship.  It is going well, I would even call it a successful relationship.  We are betrothed.

I have been in other relationships.  I have been in 2.5 other relationships that I would deem serious.  I learned many things from these past relationships.

I have casually dated.  I can’t get into how “causal” as my mother reads this blog, but casual nonetheless.  So I’m hip to how dating works these days.  And yes, I use the phrase “I’m hip to” sometimes.

I have lots of friends in relationships, and people tell me things.  I’ve heard many stories in my 28 over the years, and I have remembered them.  As my BFF says, people just like to spill their guts to me.  I like this.

I am a people-person.  I might hate small talk, but I’m a great listener if you want to talk about something real.

I find all different types of relationships interesting and strive to learn more about them, e.g.,  same-sex relationships, open relationships, plural marriage relationships, abusive relationships, opposites-attract relationships, bizarre relationships, indifferent relationships, you get the idea.  I also blog about them.

My instincts are good.  I can tell a good match from 20 miles away.

Let’s look at the reasons why I may not be qualified to give relationship advice:

I am in no way certified to give advice of any kind.

I’ve never even taken the most basic of psychology courses.

My experience with counseling is limited to personal experiences with friends and family.  I am an amateur and no one has ever paid me for  my advice/time.

Based on all of this I have determined that I am qualified enough to give the random Joe or Jane advice if they deem me worthy enough to inquire of it.

Don’t I look trust-worthy?

Here’s how it all went down… This past Wednesday I needed to get a haircut, so I ventured off to some place within walking distance of our apartment.  I found this very eclectic and hipster looking salon and walked in to ask for a trim.  I was paired with a hairstylist, (we’ll call her Jessica) and she gave me a really nice cut!

During our time together, she asked about my life, and I gave her the quick run-down, I’m a nanny, degree in acting, getting married, I’m a blogger, etc.  She asks me, “What do you blog about?”  I say, “Relationships and my wedding.”

She says, “Oh,” and launches into a story about her relationship. She said since I write about this stuff that she felt comfortable telling me.  Wow, cool!  I was flattered.  I did my best to just listen and only gave my thoughts when prompted.  She seemed pretty open and since I’m not revealing her name or her salon, I’ll share a bit of what is going on with her.  Maybe someone reading out there is going through the same thing?

The Relationship Hurdle:  She and her boyfriend live together with another random male roommate. They met as roommates and became close friends, but started dating officially this past September.  They have been talking about moving in together, but every time it’s brought up, he has something negative or self-deprecating to say.  For example, when they were out to dinner and the topic of moving came up, his first reaction was that they needed a game plan in case they were to break up after moving in together.  He also asked her “What if you hurt me?” and told her he didn’t want to go through all that.  He’s also suggested they find a new third roommate and so they can stay in their current place.  Jessica told me she took this personally thinking he doesn’t want to live with just her.  Is this a hint that he’s not as interested in her?  Or is he simply afraid of commitment and getting hurt?

Drama Happens says:  My first question to Jessica was, have you talked to him about all this?  The answer was no.  She just lets the comments slide by and keeps her worries to herself.  I’m convinced NOT communicating is the best way to end any relationship (intimate ones or friendships) and so I told her the first step is to talk to him and get down to the bottom of what he thinks about moving in together.  The good news is they are not under any time crunch because they have a month-to-month lease (those are golden in a big city).

My next response was that she should be cautious.  While my gut is telling me “he’s just not that into her” and doesn’t want to increase their level of commitment, I don’t feel comfortable saying that flat-out after one conversation.  It could be a fear of getting hurt, or those comments could be excuses to avoid taking the next step.  My advice is to talk first, and don’t rush into anything.  He seems unsure of their relationship at this point, and until they are on the same page, I wouldn’t move one single box.

So there you have it, my first advice column so-to-speak.  Who would have thought it would come from a random hairstylist (who is really good at what she does btw)!

Any other questions out there?   Until next time readers!

Quote: “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”  Erica Jong

%d bloggers like this: