Tag Archives: Fat

Please pass the patience

22 May

My back has been hurting lately.  If you don’t know why this is particularly frustrating for me, I suggest you read THIS, and everything will become clear.

I’m just feeling a little low right now. There are so many wonderful things in my life, but sometimes I get stuck when one or two aspects are bad. I have been working out a lot recently, like, a lot a lot.  Because you know, I’m getting married.  And all this working out is making me feel good!   Despite the good reports it gets, I’ve never been a fan of burning the ol’ calories, but I’m shocked to repot I am happy after I workout now and I’m even starting to looking forward to it.  GASP!  If you’ll remember, this all started because I said I was going to workout more so I could eat more what I wanted when I wanted.  Well, since I’ve been working out more frequently, my back has been bothering me.  And frankly, that just sucks.  I wish there was a more eloquent way to put it, but sadly, there’s not.

It’s really bad in the mornings.  Like I have trouble moving and showering and getting out of bed.  Just like last year. I think it has something to do with stillness and my back getting all tight and sore while I sleep, but who really knows? The Scottish has suggested I cut down on the working out, to which I responded, “Do you want me to be a fat bride?” My mother has suggested I see a doctor, to which I responded, “Not until I’m married with better insurance! You know I can’t afford to go see someone right now!”

Of course they’re right.  Of course I’m just mad. I’ve decided to give it a week and then I might make an appointment to see my old pal long-haired-witty-surgeon-friend. The thing is, the pain is NOT entirely like it was last year, it’s manageable for one, and two, it’s not killing my nerve causing me to lose feeling in my left leg. It’s more like a sharp pinching discomfort located where (I’m speculating) my herniated disk is… I know that someday I might need to get my disks fused together, and that I’m sort of destined to have back issues my whole life.  But the one thing I was supposed to work was strengthening my core and that’s what I was doing by working out!!  Insert catch 22 HERE.

I guess the only other option is to move south, buy a house with a swimming pool and do water aerobics for the rest of my life. (Swimming is ideal for my situation).  Sigh, or I need to be patient and listen to my body (and the smart people in my life).

Switching topics, that’s not the only low spot in my life. I don’t really like to talk about what I’m about to talk about. Truth is, I feel ashamed. I feel like a phony. But I know you are all real people too. You have good and you have bad. So I’m going to share some of my bad with you. I call myself actor, I am trained as an actor, but I haven’t been on stage since Feb. 2010. Ouch.

I was supposed to be on stage in 2011 but due to back surgery I was forced to quit the show I was working on, and I haven’t been cast in something since.   When I started this blog, I talked about finding my new creative outlet (writing!), and luckily I have been able to find new ways of fulfilling myself as an artist since quitting that show last year.

I have filmed a short movie directed and written by a friend of mine that was submitted and shown at the Oak Park Film Festival (among other festivals), I had an unpaid job doing transcription work for the wonderful Chicago-based theatre company ATC, and I’ve started (and still maintain) TWO separate blogs. Oh and I just started planning a wedding– which is definitely artistic in its own way! Not.too.shabby.

Good news is I have a few auditions on the horizon and that feels good.  The thing is, I just don’t find many shows that I can audition for because I’m traveling so much this year.  And the ones I do find are looking for men, or Latinas, or something totally and completely random!

Example of a fake audition notice:  We are looking for someone who can juggle and ride a unicycle while singing and playing piano, who speaks German with an Italian accent, who looks 20 but can play 40, who can dance 3 different types of salsa, and is trained in movement and stage combat.  WHAAA???

My fake response: “Umm I sing… a little bit,  and I’m trained in stage combat, I’ve worked on many different movement-based shows, but yea, I guess I’ll have to get back to you once I learn German and graduate from CLOWN SCHOOL.”  It’s brutal out there.  I know I’m exaggerating a bit, but I truly WISH I was kidding.  Everyone is looking for something so specific.  Sometimes I don’t feel like there’s a place for me in this new world of theatre.  Perhaps I’m too ordinary.

I could write a whole blog about being an artist and all the cons that come along with it, but truth is I wouldn’t change my life for a second. I knew I was going to be an actor since I was in 5th grade, and a few years away from the stage means nothing in lifetime of art.  But I’m lacking the patience to wait. I’m losing inspiration and hope, and just feeling lousy about the whole thing. But this is common.  This is common for artists and others. You can’t be in the right place at the right time constantly or else there’d be no journey! Plus, you can’t possibly appreciate it if you don’t know life without it.

So for now, I’m going to work on toning my arms, because thankfully they’re just flabby fine. And I’m going to keep searching for auditions that fit into my crazy-busy schedule. And I’m going to smile and count my blessings because the beauty of life is that it keeps moving. And change will come and opportunities will present themselves.

A “journey”

Here’s hoping you have not only the drive but also the patience to achieve all of your dreams!!

Quote: “Success seems to be connected with action.  Successful people keep moving.  They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.”  Conrad Hilton

Why Do I Look so Fat in Pictures Part 2

2 May

As you may or may not know, when you are looking for a certain type of advice or information on the internet the easiest way to find it is to enter your inquiry into the search tab and click enter. If you are searching for a particular blog about a specific topic, the same situation applies. At WordPress.com they track the phrases people type in that brings them to your blog. I kid you not, the most searched for phrase that directs people to my blog is,

WHY DO I LOOK SO FAT IN PICTURES?

… (waiting for the laugher to subside) Color me surprised! My most commonly searched phrase has nothing to do with relationships or weddings or family or religion or even Kim Kardashian.

I can’t say that I’m shocked, since my previous post with that exact title was my way of sharing with you all that I had joined Weight Watchers. Well since then I have fallen off the WW wagon, but fortunately I am still down the 13 pounds I lost when I first started. The points system just became too dreary and stupid, plus after going to Scotland and ignoring my diet, I got lazy and indifferent.

Despite all that, I’m feeling pretty darn good about my body these days. I’m still watching what I eat and some days I enter my points (most days I don’t) and I’m still working out when I can. But the issue that haunted me back then is haunting me still, and I can’t help but ask, WHY DO I LOOK SO FAT IN PICTURES? Remember my friend who recently got married, and remember how I was the Maid of Honor? Well she sent us a link to some of the pictures that her photographers posted online. And I was literally taken aback, practically falling off my stool in fright! The first picture I’m in is one where I’m helping the bride put on her veil. My upper body looks like I’ve gained about 20 pounds, no joke. My arms are huge and floppy, my one boob is bulging out and I’m looking wider than ever. WHHHHYYYYY!!!!!

Talk about disappointing. I was feeling good and I thought I looked good. So I sent the link to the Scottish, my mother, and best friend, asking their unbiased honest opinions. They said maybe the cut of that dress wasn’t the best on you, and they thought that specific picture was a bit off but I looked great in the rest of them. Ahh, suspicions confirmed! Clearly I look like a curvy, gorgeous, model in REAL life but in pictures I’m the extra-large version of myself! Or is the camera adding ten pounds and a dose of reality?

In related news, I’ve come to the conclusion that I LOVE food more than I HATE working out. I’ve discovered that both an aversion to working out and an obsession with sweets is a deadly combination. Therefore, I’m going to amp up the calorie burning so I can maintain the joy I feel from eating. Mmmm food. Food.is.so.good.

Did I mention the one thing I’m splurging on for the wedding is photography? By splurging I don’t mean spending copious amounts of money, rather I won’t be penny-pinching my photographer or going with the cheapest option. I won’t be having my guests DIY the photos with disposable cameras, or limiting our photographers to a certain number of hours. I want the whole day captured and I want our story told.

Yes, I’m so cliché it hurts, right? I want to lose weight for my wedding like every other bride-to-be on the planet! BUT NO, that is not how I see it.

I love my curves and my shape, but I need to tone up. I want to get those prints back from my photographer and not utter a single complaint (which is hard because we are all our own biggest critics when it comes to our bodies). Instead of screaming, WHY DO I LOOK SO FAT IN PICTURES? I want to scream, WOW, I LOOK SO GOOD IN THESE PICTURES!!

Can I do it? Any tips out there??

Quote: “I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.” Marsha Doble

Why do I look so fat in pictures?

8 Jan

I am sincerely interested in this, why, oh why do I look so fat in pictures? It couldn’t possibly be because I’m fat. I like my body. I’ve always enjoyed having curves, big boobs, big butt, no problem. I’d rather not be a stick and overall I’m generally pleased with my reflection in the mirror. But in pictures I am some mammoth beast woman with a puffy face, a wide torso and the flabbiest arms I’ve ever seen. WHO IS THAT GIRL?!?!?! Therefore, due to the unfortunate circumstances of me being a fatso in pictures, (and because my tummy does sometimes bulge out over my jeans) I have decided to join Weight Watchers. Insert applause here.

I am doing online Weight Watchers and I’m very happy to report that it’s going swimmingly well. Yes, I can safely say that since 9:30 AM this morning (when I joined) I have been completely successful. And I’d also like to report that I’m STARVING. I haven’t had any dessert yet today and there is nothing I love more than a good cookie, cake, or bowl of ice cream. I know that with WW (Weight Watchers) you can eat whatever you want but now that I know how many points my favorite foods are, I’m starting to feel awful. And at the same time I’m doing my best to keep my head in the game, by picturing my body nice and thin, my jeans so loose I’m forced by new clothes, and how beautiful I’m going to look in my gorgeous dress come April at my friend’s wedding.

The key is portion control. I get that. But my idea of a small bowl of cereal looks like a giant-sized portion compared to what Weight Watchers deems a serving size. Sigh. And it doesn’t help that the Scottish is the thinnest man in the world who survives solely on carbs and red meat and barely eats any vegetables. NOT FAIR. The good thing about dating skinny men is that they can become constant motivation for you to keep yourself in shape. My grandma still laments how grandpa can eat whatever he wants whenever he wants and doesn’t gain a thing, but she has to watch her food intake closely.

Soooo, WW, when do I start seeing results? At this point, I’d be content to lose the cookies and fast food weight I gained over the holidays. I’m only 13 lbs above the healthy range for my height and while I love full disclosure in blogging, I’m not quite comfortable in sharing my current or ideal weight yet. Once the pounds start falling off me, I’ll probably be more candid in my results. Right now, I’m just trying to get through pasta dinner with the girls tonight without going over my remaining 13 points. It’s like my own tragic video game, but instead of dying when you run out of points, with WW the only thing you have to deal with is self-loathing and knowing you’re a failure. HA.

Alright, I’m off to eat a zero-point apple for a snack. This is going to be a loooooong week.

Wednesday’s post is going to be all about virginity, so get ready. Questions and ideas welcome! And also if you’ve had success on WW, pass on the hope!!! 🙂

Quote: “More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.” John Kenneth Galbraith

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