Tag Archives: humor

Are you in a bi-facial relationship?

3 Jun

No that is not a typo, I would like to discuss bi-FACIAL relationships, not bi-RACIAL relationships.  I have nothing against bi-racial relationships, the topic of facial relationships is altogether much more amusing.  I did not coin this phrase, nor do I know how long it’s been around.  I first heard it on the radio while listening to my favorite Chicago morning radio-show hosts, Eric and Kathy on The Mix.  They introduced the idea of a bi-facial relationship to me explaining that it’s what you label a couple in which one person’s face is MUCH more attractive than the other person’s face.  Say you have a woman who is a 10, and her partner is a 3, that would be considered bi-facial.  But a couple who are both 6’s would be considered to be of the same attractiveness and therefore wouldn’t warrant any funny label.

The radio-show hosts were asking people to call in who thought they were part of a bi-facial relationship.  They specifically asked for the person with the HIGHER number to call in, and every single caller that I heard while listening was a woman!  Frankly, I’m not so shocked.  Women as a gender are considerably more attractive in my humble opinion.  I see more women in ads trying to sell things, and I can recognize that the curves and shape of a woman is sometimes more pleasing than that of a man.  Personally, I can usually find something attractive about every woman I see, but on the other hand, I’m really picky about the men I find attractive and tend to judge them more harshly.

I can totally picture a really hot woman with a mediocre man, but don’t really like to picture it the other way around!  I blame society (cause why not)!  Aren’t women expected to be more attractive? Do we secretly like it that way?  I have no answers, only questions.  While this whole idea makes me laugh, I know there is nothing funny about body image issues and I KNOW that we all have them.  We all act as our own worst critic, and that can be downright exhausting.

Back to the fun stuff… are you curious to know how more about my personal facial relationship?  Oh good, me too!  First off let me say I think the Scottish is dreamy.  He has an adorable face, and I would NOT consider us to be part of the bi-facial crowd, but I am a tad biased of course.  After hearing the radio show I did ask the Scottish to rate my face (asking for disaster I know!) and he gave me a 8.5, which I agree with for the most part!  (Please refrain from commenting, I’m a fragile artist type.)  The Scottish gave himself a mid-range number and I raised it to a 7 because well, he’s way sexier than he gives himself credit for!  We are comfortable with this arrangement and consider both of our faces to be just right for us.  🙂

WARNING:  Do not try this at home!  Do not ask your significant other how they would rate the attractiveness of your face if you don’t want to hear the answer! Things could get ugly (hehe).  The Scottish and I have a very candid and open relationship.  We discuss a lot of things lightly and with humor so for us this was FUNNY.  Do not compare your faces if you don’t think it will be FUNNY, or if you think you will have the lower number.  Duh.

The other fascinating thing about the radio conversation with all the women callers was that their men’s ratings when down the longer they sat on hold.  Multiple women said, I was gonna give him a 4, but I just decided he’s a 3.  What??  Either they were being nice with the first number or they wanted to widen the gap to add some drama, either way it was hilarious.  One woman said she was 8 and I believe she gave her husband a 2.5.  When asked why so low, she said, “Well his obesity has a lot to do with it.”  Umm, yea, you think?

So I was looking for an example of a bi-facial relationship on the good ol’ internet.  Let me just say that you should never under any circumstances type in the words ugly man into a search engine. It is not pleasant!! I’m still sort of gagging.  But we need an example!

Here is a picture of a famous couple, or at least I think they are famous (I don’t follow celebs besides the Kardashians and the families on TLC).   Do you see the bi-facialness?

photo found at Unfinished Man

Quote: “One must love humanity in order to reach out into the unique essence of each individual: no one can be too low or too ugly.” Georg Buchner

I’m a church-crier and other embarrassing confessions from this weekend

29 Apr

I took out a five-year-old. At work on Friday, I was taking little Becca to a Spanish camp placement visit in Oak Park (a suburb very close to the city). I printed out directions (despite having lived in Oak Park for a full year) and followed them, which was my first mistake, because they took me through downtown which was miserable with traffic. I should have taken the freeway, but soon it was too late to switch routes and we were running LATE. I called the place and said we’d be there soon but I really, really hate being late, so I wanted to get there as soon as possible. After we’d parked and paid the meter, Becca and I crossed the street and I suggested we run. We rarely run, because running is stupid and Becca prefers to run at recess, not when being asked. But she knew we were late so she agreed. We started running and the stupid uneven sidewalk paired with my inherent klutzy-ness caused me to trip and fall to the ground taking poor Becca down with me! We were holding hands and there was no escaping our double-fall. She started to cry, and we examined our wounds while the homeless guy down at the corner shouted to us, “Are you OK?” I replied that yes, we were fine while attempting to soothe a teary-eyed Becca, getting her laugh it off and suggested that Nini had learned her lesson, no running in Oak Park!! We brushed ourselves off and got back to it, this time, walking briskly but not running. We passed the homeless guy who started to say, “Ma’am, would you—,” I cut him off saying “Sorry, we’re in a hurry Mister.” He says, “Yea you in hurry, that’s why you tripped.” Well played homeless man, well played.

lovely (older) photo of Becca and I

I pissed off my neighbor. In my condo building lives this sweet older woman across the hall. Her name is Fran. When she first saw me moving in back in 2009 she assumed I was another renter because the condo was getting renovated at the time. Nope, that was all me! I bought it! Fran was happy to learn this because she did not like having renters moving in and out year after year (the previous owner had used my junior one bedroom as a rental property.) Over the last three years, Fran and I have exchanged Christmas cookies and causal conversation. I’m kind of an excellent tenant, if I do say so myself. My idea of hosting a party is having girls over for wine and girl talk. The last few months I’ve barely been home because I’ve been nesting with the Scottish in our apartment on the other side of the city. Well, as the Scottish and I were clearing out my place yesterday we ran into Fran, still in her dressing gown at 2 PM I might add, and we started chatting with her. She asked what we were doing and I said I’m moving in with the Scottish because we got engaged! Yay! She was excited and happy for us! Then she asks, “So are you going to sell the place?” I say, “Nope, we’re going to get a renter in here sometime in August.” Cut to the most crestfallen woman I’ve ever seen. It was like she’d be told her dog died. A RENTER!?!??! HOW AWFUL!!! She recovered with, “Well, much happiness to you both, and then promptly shut the door. Awkward city. So I’m currently seeking really nice, super quiet and perhaps even boring, squeaky clean person who is hardly ever home to rent my condo and keep elderly neighbor happy at the same time… sigh.

AFTER

I cried in church. I’m a church-crier, it’s true. I feel like I’ve shared this little nugget on “Drama Happens” once before but I’ll share it again. I realize I’m quite the obnoxious over-sharer and but this specific confession really brings everyone’s judgy-eyes out. “You cry in church? But… why?!!?!?” It is weird. I tend to cry at about 90% of the sermons I hear and I don’t even know why! I guess it’s triggered by a sweet personal story, or a quote or phrase that makes me think, or when something reminds me of one the relationships in my life. Whatever the reason, if I feel intense emotion (good or bad) my eyes start to fill up. I’ve gotten quite good at blinking the tears away or letting them pool until I can get a good swipe of my hand up to my face to wipe them away all at once. Still, it gets tricky. And it’s just a very public place in a very quiet room and suddenly I feel like all eyes are on me and public display of emotion. If anything, it gives the Scottish more comedic material. Aren’t I the nicest?

Does anyone else do something really embarrassing that is kind of odd?

Quote: “But I learned that there’s a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly. If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there’s not much else that can really get to ya.” Christian Bale

I flew across the pond all by myself!

14 Apr

Beautiful Edinburgh.

Having just traveled to Scotland and back, ALONE, I can confidently say that I am still one of the worst travelers ever. Remember when I shared my travel anxiety with you all? I fear it is time to work on said anxiety and improve myself in preparation for years to come of traveling abroad. While some of you out there are saying, “Man, she is sooo lucky!” I say, “Maybe that guy from the Big Bang Theory will be smart enough to figure out teleportation before my next flight.”

Despite my lack of desire to become a better traveler, I think out of necessity, I am going to do my best and transform into the easy breezy beautiful jet-setter that I know I can be.

Let’s assess my most recent trip and using a random point system, determine my success.
We’ll call them Travel VIP Points and once I get to a certain amount I can start flying first class!! HA. NOT.
Let’s say:
10 points or below = Travel Newbie
10-20 points = Travel Ace
20-30 points = Travel Veteran
30-40 points = Travel Superstar

Incident One: Packed a small bag of *refreshers aka deodorant, make-up, and toothbrush, to avoid traveling ugly. The Scottish was quite pleased with my appearance upon arrival and therefore, success. +5 points
*made up word by author of this post

Incident Two: Threw a minor fit (to myself) over lack of a good seat. -2 points

Incident Three: While in the airplane I only went to the bathroom when the person next to me went to the bathroom. This took real concentration and mental calming as one of my biggest fears is not having access to a toilet at all times. +8 points

Incident Four: During the flight I asked the guy next to me for the current time on his watch thus engaging someone I don’t already know in conversation. +3 points

Incident Five: Denied further conversation after same guy attempted to ask questions about where I was flying to and where I was from by not returning the same questions. -6 points

Incident Six: Finding my way from one large terminal to another large terminal in Heathrow airport… twice! +10 points

Incident Seven: Prematurely using my Kate Spade passport cover that says “MRS” on it and confusing someone at security when she thought I was already married. Oops. I couldn’t help it, it’s so beautiful and it’s not like I need my passport to go to MN, I just had to use it!! Still, sigh. -5 points

Incident Eight: Moving to a different seat for a group of three that wanted to sit together. +4 points

Incident Nine: Through this move of generosity I secured an aisle seat. +3 points

Incident Ten: Inadvertently glaring at all those who dared to sneeze nearby whilst we were all stuck breathing the same air for over 8 hours. -6 points

SIDENOTE: I dislike hearing/seeing others sneeze. I find it alarming and quite frankly, gross. The worst offenders I know are Sister and The Scottish. Sister sneezes every time the sun comes up, which (for those of you who are still half-asleep) is DAILY! And the Scottish makes the weirdest noise I’ve ever heard that boarders somewhere between a sneeze and a cough, and I call them “cough-sneezes” of course. They come four at a time and in rapid succession and usually interrupt what I’m saying thus forcing me to wait and wonder, “is that a sneeze or a cough? I can’t tell! It’s a cough-sneeze!!” (For the record I personally enjoy sneezing. Yep, I’m terrible).

Alrighty, let me do the math… with a calculator… and we have a grand total of 14 Travel VIP points!!
Wow. At least I’m a Travel Ace (whatever that means). I see there is plenty of room for improvement. And I swear I didn’t plan this low score, I just put down the first number that came to head after I wrote each incident. Bizarre.

Quote: “Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.” Unknown

This blog isn’t called “Drama Happens” for no reason/My life is crazy or maybe that’s just me

29 Jan

I started my new part-time unpaid job this weekend and wow, did I learn a crap load of new information about myself. First off, I realized that I have never sat in front of a computer for an entire day before and I was struck by the fact that it is rather odd since I am 28 years old and sit in front of a computer a lot, but never for a full day of work.

When I looked back I realized that all of the jobs I’ve had in my life have had me on my feet. In high school, I worked clothing retail and hated it. Then I went off to college for four years where I spent most of my days wearing yoga pants and Illinois t-shirts. We were constantly moving or talking and rarely sitting still which was a great help for my “not getting fat” plan. Of course we did have a very rigorous and studious course called theatre history and so yes I read text books, yes I researched, and yes I wrote long papers, but that wasn’t my norm. My very first final in acting class as a freshman was simply to die as the human-animal we had created. I think I chose to suffer from Carbon Monoxide poisoning, very tragic. Cut to life after college and I get a job as an after-school program coordinator for elementary-aged children. That was an interesting and weird time in my life because I was living in Oak Park without a solid group of friends and had a boyfriend that was still in college. I also fit the starving artist stereotype because I was a part-time server. While struggling with two un-fulfilling jobs I was talking to this girl at a pre-school about how much she made as a nanny, and I almost wet myself. “YOU MAKE WHAT?!?!” When you work for a park district and you run an after-school program you don’t get paid when the kids don’t have school, and that is quite frequently, so not only did this girl have a full-time job with kids that she seemed to enjoy but she also got paid time off. So I promptly asked my boss for more money which he declined due to the fact that I did not have a degree in teaching or childcare, so I put up an online profile on E-nanny source and within three weeks I found my current family and quit the park district. Cut to my life now where I have a job that keeps me on my feet, walking, playing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering, dancing, and laughing. Bare with me, we are almost back to my original point, which is, I have never had a job where I’ve sat at a computer all damn day.

Between Friday night and Saturday I worked a total of 11 hours transcribing for a great theatre project with a great Chicago theatre company. My body did not enjoy the work as much as my mind did, because after a few short hours I had a severe pain in my neck, my eyes were fuzzy, and I swear I developed carpal tunnel syndrome. I rewarded myself with a shower at around the mid part of the day, but my legs were so stiff I had to hobble to the bathroom. I didn’t have the energy to put on make-up or do my hair, and by the end of the day I looked pretty scary.

Then, when I had about two minutes of audio left to transcribe my computer mouse froze on me. I could not access my work and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d saved it, and the Scottish had just left to go to Chase to get cash so I started worrying. I should also point out that I wasn’t thinking clearly because my brain was fried, my body felt like a brick and I was PMSing, so the odds were not stacked in my favor. I decided to unload the dishwasher while I waited for the Scottish to return. I reassured myself that a frozen mouse is an easy fix and there was nothing to freak out about. Unfortunately, as I was putting the silverware away I slammed my middle finger in the drawer so hard that I literally screamed out in pain. I started jumping up and down. Then I heard a noise from upstairs and suddenly remembered the reason that I felt like a zombie was because the dumb ass guys who live upstairs from us had a party yesterday until well past 3 AM!!! I was up all night in and out of sleep, listening to their awful music, hearing them move furniture, wrestling, throw bowling balls, and other loud activities until an ambulance came because one of them must have gotten hurt! DO I LIVE ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS? Why is there a non-stop party above me? As I remember this I start crying and say out loud to my rude neighbors that it’s all their fault I’m so tired and finally I collapse on the couch where the Scottish finds me a few minutes later. I tell him to never, ever, under any circumstance, leave the house without me again!!

Everything works out fine in the end. Of course. We restart my laptop and find out that everything has been saved. I eat some hearty pasta for dinner and my finger eventually stops throbbing. And best news of all, the landlord tells the Scottish that he heard there was an out-of-control party last night and seems concerned enough that he will make sure it doesn’t happen again. So while my petty little problems are nothing to really care about, they are funny to laugh at and I have learned that a computer desk job is not the job for me. I need fresh air, the freedom to move, and children around to keep me sane. Two weeks from now I have another weekend of transcription, I am going to make a conscious effort to not become a loony toon by the end of the day. Can I do it?!?!

SIDEBAR: I am taking a week off from the blog…insert sad faces here….because I refuse to do any work while I’m in NYC having the time of my life! And then because I’m a crazy person, I’m also hosting a party for the Superbowl the day after I get back into town. 🙂 So the next blog entry will be on the 8th of February.

Hugs and kisses til then, and stay away from those winter blues!!
Stephanie

Quote: “Without rest a (wo)man cannot work. Without work, the rest does not give you any benefit.” Abkhasian Proverb

You know you’re a klutz when…

18 Dec

1. You can’t turn corners. I am constantly cutting people off and tripping when I try to round the bend of a sidewalk. The Scottish says I’m notorious for walking right in front of him and cutting him off instead of widening the curve and allowing us both to pass nicely. (I feel the need to point out that I was completely unaware I was doing that.) I also tend to not really know where I’m going most of the time, especially if I’m walking AND talking (another thing klutzy people are bad at), and so a friend might say, “We are going to turn at Belmont.” Now I know where Belmont is but I’m always surprised when we reach it and sort of stumble/fall over myself trying to keep up as my friend turns the corner.

2. You can’t wrap presents. I loathe wrapping gifts almost as much as I loathe getting my haircut. The shopping part of it excites me to no end, but covering my treasures with paper and tape, ew, not for me! But alas, it must be done, and even if I have help, I still end up wrapping something every year. So because I’m a klutz I rip the paper when I try to put the corners. I use copious amounts of tape, I accidentally drop the sticker gift tag in the wrong spot so it’s all crooked and weird, and when I load the presents into my suitcase I inevitably squish one or all of them. I also make a habit of leaving them on the floor and tripping over them.

3. You can’t put your purse down on the ground without teetering a little bit and getting off-balance just enough for others to notice.

4. You can’t react fast enough to flying objects or people who steal your things as a joke. The Scottish plays this game, keep away from Stephanie, and it is pretty amusing watching me attempt to grab back my chap stick or the TV remote. I ALWAYS lose.

5. You can’t take baths. Baths are for graceful, gentle people, not for klutzes. I have taken one and only one bath in our old-style jacuzzi tub in the new apartment. Yes, it has jets, but no, it’s not that fancy. I had a really bad cold and was so excited to light some candles and take a nice steamy, and relaxing bath. First off, it takes forever to get hot water at our place, so I waited and waited until the water got really really hot before I plugged up the tub. Then when it was about half-way full I decided to figure out how the jets worked so I pushed a button that appeared to be an “on” switch. I had no idea the jets had to be submerged before you started them and water literally sprayed everywhere in the bathroom. The mirrors, the rugs, the candles, my eyes, it was like a bad movie. So I turn them off and patiently wait for the tub to fill up. At this point I’m already naked, so I just perch myself on the edge of the tub. But since it’s been 5 minutes since I’ve checked Facebook, I go and get my phone, and oh yes, I slip and fall on the very wet tiles. Miraculously I’m not hurt and I notice the tub is full, finally! I go to put my foot in but recoil quickly because I have somehow managed to make the hottest bath water ever! I love my shower water extra hot, but I couldn’t even put one toe in this, so again I perch myself on the edge of the tub and wait, thinking to myself, when does this start to be relaxing?? Eventually I do get in and it is pretty nice, but I haven’t taken one since.

6. You can’t splay sports and you can’t run. Did I even have to mention that one? I throw like a girl, no I throw like a 5 month old monkey girl, and well, I can’t run in general, and if you read my new page, Back Attack, you’ll understand why. But when I do need to catch a bus or I’m playing with my kiddos, my nanny boy Derek likes to point out to me how oddly I run. I sort of jog with my arms up near my chest and wobble back and forth, of course, tripping every so often on uneven ground. I try to consciously avoid running in public because it’s not very attractive.

Quote: “I can do everything with ease on the stage, whereas in real life I feel too big and clumsy. So I didn’t choose acting. It chose me.” Ingrid Bergman

My last post didn’t get as much traffic as usual so maybe these pictures will help

14 Dec

Hello Random blog post!!! (why, hello to you too) Here are three recent purchases that have made me super happy!

1. The Scottish and I picked out two of my Christmas presents early… here are my awesome new shoe racks:

By the door

In the closet

2. I am in love with the new heels and matching clutch I bought from Nine West. I bought them to match the dress I wore to The Scottish’s work party. Check. Next appearance for this ensemble will be Christmas Eve service in ND… gotta get my money’s worth, yo.

yum

right??

3. My fossil hat that makes me feel young. The Scottish first saw it and said, “It’s dorky but it suits you.” Whaaaa?

winter super spy

Sidebar: I met up with a friend for lunch last week (who wondered if she would be in the blog and I said no but I guess what I really meant was yes). When she first walked into the restaurant she remarked how I don’t even need to talk about my life since she already knows everything from my blog! I laughed heartily because I can ALWAYS find more to say, and I love chatting in person with my friends because you get the back and forth banter. But she made me think… I need to broaden my horizons and reach people that I don’t get to have lunch with all the time. So, loyal reader, I am asking you ever so graciously to please pass my blog on to a friend of yours that you think might like this. Male or female!! Some of my biggest fans are guys and I love it. 🙂 If your immediate reaction is, “I barely have time to read this let alone pass it on,” then no big deal. I appreciate all of you so much. Writing this blog makes me so joyful.

OH and one more thing! I have now put all the blogs that I follow into my Google Reader and it is life-changing! It’s a great way to see all your favorite blogs and who’s updated recently without searching for them or clogging up your email. And it’s included with your google account. Personally, I am obsessed with my gmail and all things google and feel like it’s my life goal to hook others up to it’s glory.

Check out one of my new favorite blogs!

Fibromy-Awesome

Clearly there is no real theme for the quote this week so how about a semi-off-color joke?

Joke: Someone asked Siri (the iphone personal assistant) to tell them a holocaust joke. Siri replied, “I don’t know any holocaust jokes, Ann Frankly I don’t find them funny.”

My name is Grumpy and I hosted Thanksgiving

27 Nov

How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was great and annoying at the same time. I was perfectly prepared to host my very first turkey day meal with only one recipe blunder (I forgot my Scottish dessert, Whiskey Mac Cream, needed to sit overnight), but overall, I was feeling good and ready. We had another couple come over and join the Scottish and I and between the four of us we made a wonderful Thanksgiving spread. We were pretty happy (OK, smug) because our turkey turned out so delicious and it was our first attempt at baking the large holiday bird. We had a lovely time watching football, playing cards, and of course, eating. But early on in the day I started to get a headache but just attributed it to dehydration. But then my throat started to hurt, and I was feel achy all over. Since I was cooking and cleaning for the majority of the day and by cooking and cleaning I mean mostly cleaning, (I think I washed my liquid measuring cup about 10 times because that’s how many times we needed it), I just assumed I was over-tired. But by 8 PM I was shivering with the chills and a fever and had to excuse myself to go to bed, where I stayed for the next 12 hours. This means that I missed out on early morning Black Friday shopping and boy oh boy, was I upset. My Friday consisted of sitting on the couch watching The Glee Project all day- horrors!! But then the rest of my weekend was pretty nice, we went to see a friend’s show on Friday night, and then on Saturday I dragged myself to Macy’s for some solo shopping. I ended up lugging my treasures home in the rain, which added to my crabbiness, but my time spent in Macy’s was angelic.

Side bar: Shopping is my bliss. Well, one of them anyway. Lattes are too. Well, when I’m super relaxed AKA happy AKA enjoying some bliss, I tend to need to have a BM. I know, I know, what kind of person blogs about her BM’s? Just be glad I didn’t say “my poops.” Oops. But seriously, there is something about shopping that makes me so calm and happy that I just have to go go go! And Saturday was no different. I had myself a latte and I was walking around the beautifully decorated Macy’s in downtown Chicago and after about 5 minutes I knew it was time. Afterwards I texted the Scottish (who was well-aware of my grumpiness and sickness) that I had just done my duty at Macy’s and I couldn’t be happier!

Back to my holiday recap: I bought toys for my kiddos (buy one get one free), I got a holiday dress for the Scottish’s work party, I got the Scottish a gift, and I bought myself a scarf, hat, and smart touch gloves all in creams and pinks. Yum. Then we went to my condo to load up all my Christmas decorations and after that we drove to my nanny family’s house for a second Thanksgiving meal. Very fun and very filling! This morning we decorated the apartment and I forced the Scottish to MAKE MEMORIES with me (such as hanging our stockings, etc), but despite the decor and holiday music I still felt crabby about my sore throat. Of course, I had to get out a blog to all my lovely followers, but unfortunately, there was no disguising my mood. On the one hand, I’m super annoyed that I got sick, but on the other hand, I’m so proud of myself for pulling together such a wonderful feast with friends, and I can’t wait to host my whole family someday. Sister, I call Thanksgiving! You can host Easter. 4TH of July?

Sigh, back to work tomorrow people. But keep your thankful thoughts close to your heart. Now, if I don’t have some lunch soon (it’s 3:30 PM) I’m gonna pass out. So yea, until next time…

Check out these photos from our meal!

Quote: “Am I grumpy? I might be. But I think maybe sometimes it’s misinterpreted.” Harrison Ford

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