Tag Archives: klutz

You know you’re a klutz when…

18 Dec

1. You can’t turn corners. I am constantly cutting people off and tripping when I try to round the bend of a sidewalk. The Scottish says I’m notorious for walking right in front of him and cutting him off instead of widening the curve and allowing us both to pass nicely. (I feel the need to point out that I was completely unaware I was doing that.) I also tend to not really know where I’m going most of the time, especially if I’m walking AND talking (another thing klutzy people are bad at), and so a friend might say, “We are going to turn at Belmont.” Now I know where Belmont is but I’m always surprised when we reach it and sort of stumble/fall over myself trying to keep up as my friend turns the corner.

2. You can’t wrap presents. I loathe wrapping gifts almost as much as I loathe getting my haircut. The shopping part of it excites me to no end, but covering my treasures with paper and tape, ew, not for me! But alas, it must be done, and even if I have help, I still end up wrapping something every year. So because I’m a klutz I rip the paper when I try to put the corners. I use copious amounts of tape, I accidentally drop the sticker gift tag in the wrong spot so it’s all crooked and weird, and when I load the presents into my suitcase I inevitably squish one or all of them. I also make a habit of leaving them on the floor and tripping over them.

3. You can’t put your purse down on the ground without teetering a little bit and getting off-balance just enough for others to notice.

4. You can’t react fast enough to flying objects or people who steal your things as a joke. The Scottish plays this game, keep away from Stephanie, and it is pretty amusing watching me attempt to grab back my chap stick or the TV remote. I ALWAYS lose.

5. You can’t take baths. Baths are for graceful, gentle people, not for klutzes. I have taken one and only one bath in our old-style jacuzzi tub in the new apartment. Yes, it has jets, but no, it’s not that fancy. I had a really bad cold and was so excited to light some candles and take a nice steamy, and relaxing bath. First off, it takes forever to get hot water at our place, so I waited and waited until the water got really really hot before I plugged up the tub. Then when it was about half-way full I decided to figure out how the jets worked so I pushed a button that appeared to be an “on” switch. I had no idea the jets had to be submerged before you started them and water literally sprayed everywhere in the bathroom. The mirrors, the rugs, the candles, my eyes, it was like a bad movie. So I turn them off and patiently wait for the tub to fill up. At this point I’m already naked, so I just perch myself on the edge of the tub. But since it’s been 5 minutes since I’ve checked Facebook, I go and get my phone, and oh yes, I slip and fall on the very wet tiles. Miraculously I’m not hurt and I notice the tub is full, finally! I go to put my foot in but recoil quickly because I have somehow managed to make the hottest bath water ever! I love my shower water extra hot, but I couldn’t even put one toe in this, so again I perch myself on the edge of the tub and wait, thinking to myself, when does this start to be relaxing?? Eventually I do get in and it is pretty nice, but I haven’t taken one since.

6. You can’t splay sports and you can’t run. Did I even have to mention that one? I throw like a girl, no I throw like a 5 month old monkey girl, and well, I can’t run in general, and if you read my new page, Back Attack, you’ll understand why. But when I do need to catch a bus or I’m playing with my kiddos, my nanny boy Derek likes to point out to me how oddly I run. I sort of jog with my arms up near my chest and wobble back and forth, of course, tripping every so often on uneven ground. I try to consciously avoid running in public because it’s not very attractive.

Quote: “I can do everything with ease on the stage, whereas in real life I feel too big and clumsy. So I didn’t choose acting. It chose me.” Ingrid Bergman

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