Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

Sharing a bed with someone makes crying yourself to sleep nearly impossible

15 Feb

And I found this out the hard way on Monday night. I was watching the new show Smash, and if you are unfamiliar with this new drama, the short version is that it’s a show about show business. It’s a behind the scenes look at the producing, writing, auditioning, and directing of a Broadway musical. Can you say, “hits too close to home?” I mean, I really can’t pretend to relate to New York actresses who sing and dance and audition for high-profile productions about Marilyn Monroe, BUT I have felt those same feelings and I can only imagine how much harder it is to be a starving artist in NY. The blonde girl in the show has been back-up dancing in a musical for nearly a decade and is really talented but tries too hard, and the skinny brunette girl (Katharine McPhee) waits tables, has a very supportive boyfriend, and loads of talent but not enough drive or fierceness to land a big role. I relate to both of them, I try too hard AND I’m sort of the meek quiet girl when it comes to auditioning. Coupled with my hiatus from the stage and these intense feelings rushing back, I just needed a good theatrical cry.

The Scottish, and I’ll say men in general, do NOT enjoy it when women cry. They feel the need to “fix” it and they try to make suggestions and encourage you to try harder when all you want is them to say is, “It’s going to be OK.” That’s all that’s needed. But the Scottish in particular feels bad and doesn’t want me to be upset, and so I’m forced to get it together and end a good cry too early. It’s a real shame. Back in my single days I would be able to have a good meltdown by myself whenever I needed it. Sometimes I’d have two before bedtime. I am an equal-opportunity cry-er, I will cry about anything, about missing home and family, about being single and alone, about not getting the part I wanted, and most recently about back pain. And the best part (for me) is turning off all the lights, laying on my side, and letting the tears roll down my face. I imagine how cool this would look in a movie and for a moment I forget whatever it is I’m depressed about. Soon I remember why it is my life sucks in the first place, and then I yell at myself because I’m so lame I’m not even crying over real problems, and then I cry because I don’t like it when I’m forced to yell at myself. Finally, I fall asleep and then wake up the next morning refreshed and ready to tackle my “problem.” Suffice it to say, crying is a nice emotional release for me and it usually puts me in a way better mood.

But with the Scottish laying right next to me, I am feeling self-conscious and downright stupid. I know I have to quit the water works fast because he’s a light sleeper and I can’t very well be making sobbing noises when he has to get up for work the next day. Plus if he puts his arm around me he’s going to feel my shaking and that could be equally distracting. And then of course he’ll be worrying! He won’t be able to fall asleep knowing I’m so upset. I’ve tried in vain to explain to him that I’m not really that upset; I just enjoy a good cry everyday now and then.

BUT NO. I am forced to stifle my sniffles, blow my nose, and tell him that I’m OK so we can both get some sleep. Ahhhhh, sometimes I look back fondly on those dramatic nights, but when I really think about it, I have to say I prefer having someone laying next to me who cares enough to try and “fix” it. And there’s always the bathroom floor. 🙂

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day! The Scottish bought me roses, a lovely card, and we had a wonderful dinner at this super cute wine bar in Wicker Park!

Quote: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Bible Psalms 30:5

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All you need is Love (and possibly a sense of humor too)

12 Feb

Isn’t life just insanely busy right now? I feel like that’s the vibe on the street and among my friends and family. People are enjoying this mild winter we’ve been having and it feels like there is just so much to do as spring gets closer and closer. I’m excited! I love being busy, but I’m working on taking the time to relax and enjoy life when I find those rare moments of stillness in my schedule. I’m going to talk about LOVE now, for two reasons, 1) I had an AMAZING experience at my church’s Beatles Eucharist Sunday service and I’m feeling inspired, and 2) That dreaded Hallmark holiday is upon us, Valentine’s Day!!

Honestly, I don’t think there is anything better than love. And I’m not just talking about love between you and your partner, but also family love, the love you have for your children, your friends, your pets, your neighbor, your country, the poor, the rich, and of course your love-hate-love for Kim Kardashian. If I may be so bold, I would say that LOVE is my motto for life. I don’t always live this way but it is my goal. A few things such as my short temper, my OCD tendencies, my inability to handle change, and my need for control are all hindrances to this end but alas, I do the best I can.

I’m sort of addicted to LOVE. I constantly ask the Scottish how much he loves me or what his favorite part about me is, why, you ask? Because I’m a needy freak. My little Becca has told me before that she doesn’t love me anymore because I’ve made her angry for some reason, and she knows I’m sensitive to hearing that. Kids are wicked smart, they are. And way back when, while growing up in Minnesota, my mom was pondering the idea of fostering a child at our house and I selfishly responded with something about how will she love all of us enough and that I don’t want to share my mom anymore than I already have to. Maybe I have some weird thing about being the oldest child and feeling abandoned as the second and third kids came along. Maybe I just crave being the center of attention? And maybe I’m just a huge romantic who loves to be adored. This is getting out of hand…

OK, back to my life motto of LOVE. While I probably spend too much energy attempting to receive love, I also try to share love as much as possible. To me, being a loving person is easy. I like to give hugs. I thoroughly enjoy hearing people’s stories, and when someone talks to me I always strive to be non-judgmental and understanding. I love to cry and will cry because of you, for you, or with you. (To me, tears are not a sign of weakness, but simply a human reaction to both good and bad things.) I laugh… a lot. I think laughing is so close to loving because it means you are happy and feeling joyful. And joy = love. Spending time with people is loving them, attending their shows, going to their parties, dancing at their birthdays, eating meals with them, and everything else in between shows them you care. I really enjoy meeting new people too, which I know for most, can be a big fear. But I just love the idea of new possibilities and potential. It’s endings that frighten me. And being a good friend is a way to love someone. I joke about being self-centered quite a lot, but I do put other people first quite often.

Last year, I made the mistake of telling the Scottish I had no real need to celebrate this dumb holiday coming up, but then was shocked and appalled when he got me nothing! I guess I was a bit unclear… off the record, I actually LOVE receiving chocolates, romantic cards, flowers, balloons, jewelry, and other gifts on Valentine’s Day, but let the record show that I think it’s a stupid waste of money.

Doesn’t this make everything clear now? My obsession with weddings is not just about a white dress and a fabulous party, it’s about the celebration of two people and their love for each other. It’s the stunning performative quality of a wedding that is so beautiful. I hope the traditional wedding ceremony lives on forever! And my love of LOVE is directly related to romantic comedies too, even the most contrived love story is still fun to watch.

Go tell someone you love them. Someone you haven’t said it to in a while. And go listen to the Beatles.

With LOVE,
Stephanie

Quote: “Love is the only gold.” Lord Tennyson

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